TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM MEN WHO'VE HAD ENOUGH . . .

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.

If you won't dress like Victoria's Secret Girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Birthdays, Valentines, and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as naval lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Sunday = 3D Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport and, no, we're never going to think of it that way.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!

No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.

Peeing standing up is more difficult. So we leave a few spots.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty shoes, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost any question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Foreign films are best left for foreigners.

Check you oil.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either tell us to DO something OR tell us HOW TO DO something, but not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

All men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

If it itches, it will be scratched.

If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

What the heck are doilies?